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Confession
Before I take my final breath I would like to confess that I am the one responsible for all of the problems we are facing today in this turbulent world. It would be great if I could pin the blame on people like George Bush, Dick Cheney, or Sarah Palin, but the truth is... I am the guilty one and I can only hope that the victims of my unforgivable crimes will have mercy on me and that future generations will be able to learn from my horrible mistakes.
I wish that it were only one crime that I had to confess to but the truth is there are many. Once you start a life like mine, it is difficult to change yourself because of the guilt you feel. Personal guilt for not having the guts to do what was right in the first place and the added guilt for the accumulation of after-effects that your acts do on the life's of your victims.
It started as a child with little things like not standing up to classroom bullies who, not only pushed me around, but also teased my friends. Then came Viet Nam and I witnessed rape, murder, and plunder in the name of God and my Country. Then there were the sexual rings in the mental hospital where I worked that involved retarded patients. I also witnessed the negligent homicide of patients by arrogant doctors. That was followed by Pastors who beat their wives and children, Missionaries who fathered illegitimate families, Evangelist who were pedophiles and pornography addicts and the list goes on and on and I did nothing about them, and now because of my silence I must bear the awful responsibility for allowing these crimes to go unpunished.
I am responsible for at least two of the suicidal deaths of my classmates because I did not report the bullying to the teachers. I am responsible for the deaths of numerous Vietnamese women and children who died by the hands of my comrades because I did nothing to stop it. I am responsible for the deaths caused by some of these comrades who later committed murder after returning to the States and I am responsible for the deaths of others who committed suicide after returning. I am responsible for the deaths of mental patients who died prematurely from AIDS because of the sexual rings I did not report in the Hospital. I am responsible for the grieving families of the patients who died because of negligent doctors and for the damage those doctors may have caused to other patients in the years that followed. I am responsible for the damage done to the wives, children, and congregations of those who I knew to be false teachers and hypocrites. And I am responsible for the sad shape that the world is now in because I have sat silently by and allowed it to happen.
There is no punishment that could be given to me that would erase the damage that my silence has caused in this world. My hat is off to Bradley Manning and Julian Assange for having the balls to do what I have failed to do in my lifetime. May it be that their actions begin a Revolution in the hearts and minds of all people... so that one day mankind can live in a world where those who bring the Truth to Light are given a place of honor and respect, instead of isolation and a prison cell.
Wayne Dale Matthysse uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
I appreciate very much the comments and encouragement of so many people in regards to "Confession" and I know you mean well by encouraging me to live in the present or, as some have recommended, to give it all to Jesus and to start life anew. A few years ago that would have been my advice as well; however, having left Christianity, I can no longer say that. For those who challenged my confession and believe that I was only using it as a soapbox to condemn others and make myself look good I can only say I think you have read me wrong. I do feel guilty for my past inactions and... to not feel guilty would be an even greater injustice to my victims. Many rights do not correct a wrong, when you choose to betray someone's trust, because you are afraid of the consequences it will have on you, you have done the unforgivable, especially when the person you have betrayed loses his life because of your inaction.
The point I am trying to make is this. It is my belief that the problems that we face today are not the result of actions taken by bad people; they are instead a direct result of the actions not taken by good people. To say that we are only human is a cop-out and it is just what those who want to control our lives want us to think. To say that GOD is in control of all things and we have nothing to do with it is also a cop-out for we were created in His Image and His control of things is through us.
Although I no longer view Jesus as an absorbing sponge that wipes away all of my sins so that I can start sinning all over again with a clean slate, I do believe he taught us a valuable lesson through his life and death. I no longer believe that he died for the sins of mankind... he died because he took a stand against the church leadership of his day. In the book BEYOND BELIEF by Elaine Pagels, on page 118 is a section I would like to quote:
"John begins with a story of Jesus attacking the money changers and merchants in the Temple, a scene whose violence John increases by adding that Jesus "knotted a whip out of small cords" and wielded it as he "drove them all out of the Temple, and the sheep and the oxen, and poured out the changers' money, and overthrew the tables." The other gospels, as we have seen, all place this incident at the end of Jesus' life, when it must logically have happened, since this act, according to Matthew, Mark, and Luke, was what impelled the chief priest to have Jesus arrested and turned over to the Roman authorities to be killed."
Jesus did not betray the God he loved, even when threatened with death by those he felt were misleading the people. He took action and stood his ground and in the end sacrificed his life for the sake of the Truth he believed in and in so doing set up the perfect example of how we should live our life. I have failed on many occasions in my life to follow his example and because of that must accept the fact that my inactions have resulted in the suffering and death of many. Nothing I can ever do will make up for that. To rationalize my failures away would be to continue to betray those that I have let down. I can not be forgiven... nor should I be.
Perhaps one of the toughest things I am learning in life is that I alone am responsible for all of my actions and inactions. There is no devil making me do things, no Savior to unload my misdeeds on, and no rational explanation or excuse I can give myself to account for my behavior. I am responsible for both the good and the bad in me... and I must acknowledge them both before I can truly Love myself. I would hope that the remainder of my life would be spent loving others in a meaningful way and that if put into a situation where I must choose between right and wrong again, I will choose not to betray Justice, even if it means prison or death. I will however continue to carry the scars of betrayal with me to my grave... for they are just as much a part of me as are the awards I receive for Love.
Wayne Dale Matthysse January 2011
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